"The Big Digital to the Rescue" and "The Big Digital takes a Drug Test"

I've been thinking I ought to share more of whats going on in my life here on the blog, instead of only sharing whats going on in my head, so here goes.

This morning I woke up slightly earlier than normal, due to having gone to bed earlier last night because I've got a bit of a head cold. I got in the shower and when I got out I noticed that my phone had 1 missed call, from my roommate who is a pilot for SkyWest. Anyway, I called him back and he said he had a huge favor to ask me. He was supposed to be leaving on a flight in 15 minutes or so, but had forgotten his ID badge at home. Given that my work is pretty close to the airport, I said what the heck, hurriedly got dressed and did my best to get out there ASAP. You have to realize that ASAP included me needing to scrape the ice off the windows of my car, and also that it was fairly busy traffic. Maybe not the peak of morning rush, but still, busy. Anyway, I'm on the freeway when he calls to ask where I'm at. I tell him I'm about 10 minutes from the airport and he says, "my flight leaves in 10 minutes, so if there's anything you can do to drive faster that would be great". At that point I briefly considered taking an unauthorized high-speed jaunt in the HOV lane, but decided that if he missed his flight, he missed his flight, and that I wasn't risking some huge ticket because he forgot his ID. Anyway, I did my best to go fast and he ran out to the curb when I pulled up. He called a few hours later to thank me and say that his flight was only delayed a few minutes. I guess all those passengers owe me thanks as well, right?

Anyway, in addition to my rush job to the airport, I also needed to get to a drug testing center for a little side project I'm going to be doing at the U Hospital this spring. All their employees have to be drug tested, so it wasn't like I was being singled out. Anyway, this is the first time I've ever taken a drug test to my knowledge, and the whole thing made me feel kind of like a profession athlete. I was a little nervous, because a) producing a urine sample on demand isn't always the easiest trick to pull off, and b) I took two Tylenol Cold NightTime pills the night before. I hope that doesn't disqualify me. It also bears mentioning that the form I was given yesterday, when my drug test was scheduled for today, said that if I failed to show for this test on the day it was scheduled, that would basically disqualify me from being hired. What happens if unforeseen circumstances prevent someone from making their appointment? How dumb would I have to be to schedule my own appointment, and then get high the day of my test? (Not that I have ever gotten high)

Anyway, as I was collecting said sample, I thought, isn't there a better way than having to hold a plastic cup to catch my own urine? Can't there be some kind of device that could be mounted in the toilet or something? Something that doesn't involve my having to hold the cup and urinate on target at close range? Also, I was informed not to flush the toilet and I guess I have been well trained, because I had to fight against instinct to not flush after I took care of my business. I guess the no flush policy is to stop me from flushing down the empty bag that used to hold the clean urine that I bought on the black market. Speaking of which, whoever runs a black market on drug-free urine has a pretty crappy job. I hope it pays well.

Back to me, though. After successfully filling the cup beyond the "black" line marked with blue ink, I came back out of the bathroom with my prized sample for the lucky lady whose job is to deal with people's urine all day. I was pleased to see her fill two bottles, an A and B sample (I can thank Floyd Landis for my awareness of the existence of a B sample), and then seal them with tamper-resistant tape. I had to sign that I had seen them sealed and that the serial numbers on both samples matched the paper form I had filled out. With the holiday weekend coming up, I might not find out my results until Wednesday next week, but no matter what happens, I'm prepared to stonewall like all my favorite sports heroes. Speaking of which, I think its time for my B-12 shot.

Aren't you glad I started sharing?