Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I don't know if this means if I'm doing better or worse
So...in the past week, I've had 4 separate people want to set me up with someone they know, and its happened at least 6 times in the past month. This is a huge surge in the frequency of this happening to me. Generally I don't get super excited over the idea of being set up, and I sometimes feel like it means people think I need some help (maybe I do need some help), but on the other hand, I guess I should be happy that people either care about me enough to be interested, or think highly enough of me to consider me for someone else that they are worried about, right?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The EMF
You know how some girls have a guy friend who is always around, and clearly the guy is in love with her, but she either doesn't realize (how could she not?) or pretends to not realize because she either a) doesn't want to deal with the situation, or b) doesn't want to lose his friendship. I always think those guys must have no self-esteem. Usually they've either tried to date the girl and gotten shot down or haven't tried assuming they'd be shot down, and in the aftermath, are hanging on to the "lets just be friends" olive branch like a drowning man hanging on to a floating piece of debris. I like to think of this guy as the Ever-present Male Friend or EMF.
I'm never quite sure how girls fall for this tactic. Here's the truth: guys don't want to be friends with girls they are attracted to. They want to date them. If you break up with a guy and he says he still wants to be friends or he agrees to still be friends, its because he hopes that there's still a chance he can make it from "just friends" back to "more than friends". Its not because he just enjoys your company and accepts the fact that you aren't interested. And now that they are "just friends" they'll jump at any chance to spend time with their "BFF". In fact they are pretty much inseparable. Girls love someone who will listen to them and can also give a man's perspective on things.
Seriously, though, don't you have to kind of pity those guys? Its just not an easy situation to be in. Its much less of an ego-swallowing ordeal to just walk away from the situation than to just be friends. Maybe, given sufficient time, a guy can get past the feelings he had for her and move on, but its not happening overnight, and even then he's not going to want to be her best friend. And until he's been able to move on, the last thing he wants is to hear her talk about guys that she's interested in or watch other guys try to make a move on her. I think this is part of what leads to the everpresent-ness of this guy. He wants to do all he can to keep her from dating other guys or for other guys to become better friends with her than he is, even though its pretty much inevitable. I always think these guys have pretty much given up on dating, and the best thing that could possibly happen for them is for her to get married. Hopefully, marriage is a sufficiently clear signal that she's not changing her mind.
On occasion, the rare fellow does manage to get back into her good graces (see the Persistence Theory), although sometimes its more because he's been so effective at scaring off other potential suitors. And honestly, its a bit of a turn-off when a girl who has some hanger-on guy always calling her up to do stuff and always there with her at everything, even though they are "just friends".
Strangely I kind of found myself in this same kind of situation in the last year or so. There was a girl that I was into, and went on a few dates and then her interest started to wane and then finally she told me that maybe it was best if we didn't date any more. "Out of fairness to [me]" of course. But could we please still be friends. Because she really thinks I'm cool and that she has a lot of fun with me.
Now in case you've already forgotten, "guys don't want to be friends with girls they are attracted to." Anyway, in the aftermath of my own "lets just be friends" moment, I've really struggled with whether its worth hanging on and being "that guy" that I've pitied in so many other instances. I mean I really do enjoy spending time with this girl, and of course I think she's attractive. But I can't feel right pretending that I only want to be friends, and my ego doesn't really want me to be that kind of guy either.
I, mean, I do still call her and email her and on occasion have a longer chat with her, and part of me still holds out hope that someday she might change her mind. But I also hope I'm not being the EMF. I hope I've been pretty clear about what my feelings are, and I would never tell her that I'm fine to "just be friends" with her, and in the meantime I've been doing my best to meet other girls and date in the hopes of finding someone I can feel the same way about. But I guess if I actually believed that the EMF strategy would ultimately be successful I'd consider it more seriously. The honest truth is I don't think I could live with myself as that guy.
Thoughts?
I'm never quite sure how girls fall for this tactic. Here's the truth: guys don't want to be friends with girls they are attracted to. They want to date them. If you break up with a guy and he says he still wants to be friends or he agrees to still be friends, its because he hopes that there's still a chance he can make it from "just friends" back to "more than friends". Its not because he just enjoys your company and accepts the fact that you aren't interested. And now that they are "just friends" they'll jump at any chance to spend time with their "BFF". In fact they are pretty much inseparable. Girls love someone who will listen to them and can also give a man's perspective on things.
Seriously, though, don't you have to kind of pity those guys? Its just not an easy situation to be in. Its much less of an ego-swallowing ordeal to just walk away from the situation than to just be friends. Maybe, given sufficient time, a guy can get past the feelings he had for her and move on, but its not happening overnight, and even then he's not going to want to be her best friend. And until he's been able to move on, the last thing he wants is to hear her talk about guys that she's interested in or watch other guys try to make a move on her. I think this is part of what leads to the everpresent-ness of this guy. He wants to do all he can to keep her from dating other guys or for other guys to become better friends with her than he is, even though its pretty much inevitable. I always think these guys have pretty much given up on dating, and the best thing that could possibly happen for them is for her to get married. Hopefully, marriage is a sufficiently clear signal that she's not changing her mind.
On occasion, the rare fellow does manage to get back into her good graces (see the Persistence Theory), although sometimes its more because he's been so effective at scaring off other potential suitors. And honestly, its a bit of a turn-off when a girl who has some hanger-on guy always calling her up to do stuff and always there with her at everything, even though they are "just friends".
Strangely I kind of found myself in this same kind of situation in the last year or so. There was a girl that I was into, and went on a few dates and then her interest started to wane and then finally she told me that maybe it was best if we didn't date any more. "Out of fairness to [me]" of course. But could we please still be friends. Because she really thinks I'm cool and that she has a lot of fun with me.
Now in case you've already forgotten, "guys don't want to be friends with girls they are attracted to." Anyway, in the aftermath of my own "lets just be friends" moment, I've really struggled with whether its worth hanging on and being "that guy" that I've pitied in so many other instances. I mean I really do enjoy spending time with this girl, and of course I think she's attractive. But I can't feel right pretending that I only want to be friends, and my ego doesn't really want me to be that kind of guy either.
I, mean, I do still call her and email her and on occasion have a longer chat with her, and part of me still holds out hope that someday she might change her mind. But I also hope I'm not being the EMF. I hope I've been pretty clear about what my feelings are, and I would never tell her that I'm fine to "just be friends" with her, and in the meantime I've been doing my best to meet other girls and date in the hopes of finding someone I can feel the same way about. But I guess if I actually believed that the EMF strategy would ultimately be successful I'd consider it more seriously. The honest truth is I don't think I could live with myself as that guy.
Thoughts?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Threat Level...Blue
Those of you who read this blog out of the desire to glean some small bit of what's going on in my life (as opposed to those of you who enjoy sifting through the randomness that seeps out of my brain to stain the Internet) probably are wanting to know whats the deal with the yellow threat level alert issued recently.
Well if you've been waiting to know whats going on, there's really nothing to say, other than to say that sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes they don't work out on my end and sometimes its on the other person's end. Suffice it to say that this time it was on my end. I thought there was a chance for this to work out, but for some reason I just couldn't get over the hump from Yellow to Orange, if that makes any sense. It never feels good to have to tell someone that, especially when they seem to think that I'm worth their time and emotional investment, but I guess its just one of the many risks you take when you take a chance on love.
Well if you've been waiting to know whats going on, there's really nothing to say, other than to say that sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes they don't work out on my end and sometimes its on the other person's end. Suffice it to say that this time it was on my end. I thought there was a chance for this to work out, but for some reason I just couldn't get over the hump from Yellow to Orange, if that makes any sense. It never feels good to have to tell someone that, especially when they seem to think that I'm worth their time and emotional investment, but I guess its just one of the many risks you take when you take a chance on love.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Threat Level Yellow
The Dept. of Big Digital security has issued a relationship threat level advisory. The threat meter has been moved to Yellow, with the possibility of being upgraded to Orange within the next week or so. Please remain calm. Do not leave your homes or attempt to locate your loved ones. This is only a Yellow alert. In the event of a change in the current situation, the threat meter will be adjusted accordingly.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Oh yeah? You don't say.
Being one summertime away from my 29th birthday and continuing to be a (faithful) single Latter-day Saint, I hear a lot about marriage. In fact, just this past Sunday, our high council speaker's wife felt like it was important for us to hear about the importance of marriage. She introduced her topic by saying she'd talked to a couple other single members of our stake and said that she was planning to speak about marriage. One, a guy, said "Please don't", and another, a girl said "Oh yes, please do." And she decided to side with the girl. I think at that point approximately half the men in our ward tuned out. When she launched into a talk from Elder Bednar that started with "Temple marriage is essential for our salvation", I'm pretty sure that the other half hit the mental snooze button.
Not to say that we don't care about marriage or don't realize its importance. I'm sure there are a few recalcitrant ones who don't agree to that or who really are putting off marriage because they don't think they can afford it right now. But I would say that the vast majority of LDS single men are not married because they haven't found what they're looking for, or when they did find it, it wasn't looking for them. Not because they figured they'd sail right on into the celestial kingdom without a spouse. Trust me, we're all well aware of the fact that only married people can go to the highest degree of glory. We hear it at least several times a year if not several times a month. So if you are worried that we aren't getting the hint, don't worry.
Along the lines of talks on missionary work, most talks on marriage fall into the camp of telling you how important it is, without giving you much in the way of how to go about doing it. Most marriage talks tell you that its important to be willing to be selfless and sacrificing and to treat your wife with the utmost of love and respect, and that qualities like a testimony and potential for being a good mother should be looked for above qualities like attractiveness. But rare is the talk that attempts to give a man some guidance in how to go about winding up with a wife in the end.
So essentially, several times a year, we get to sit and listen about how we need a woman to be our help-meet, and that she should be someone more spiritual than ourselves (a topic that deserves its own post), and that without her we're pretty much on the express train to ministering angel town, but without actually giving any counsel on how to actually get married, other than that we need to "date more". Keep in mind that most of the guys truly do want to be married. Pounding us over the head with how screwed we're going to be if we don't get married isn't going to do anything other than make us think that its not even worth trying any more. Meanwhile, the sisters get the whole "if things don't work out in this life, there's always the next" routine, as though if you haven't already gotten married by age 27, you must already be worried about your own personal salvation. (What happens to single people after age 30? Do they just leave the church? Has anyone ever actually gotten married in their 30s?)
Anyway, I'm sure there are topics here that could use some expansion, but for now lets just say that if you are worried that single adult men in the LDS church aren't aware that marriage is a requirement for exaltation, you can sleep easy knowing that we get the picture.
Not to say that we don't care about marriage or don't realize its importance. I'm sure there are a few recalcitrant ones who don't agree to that or who really are putting off marriage because they don't think they can afford it right now. But I would say that the vast majority of LDS single men are not married because they haven't found what they're looking for, or when they did find it, it wasn't looking for them. Not because they figured they'd sail right on into the celestial kingdom without a spouse. Trust me, we're all well aware of the fact that only married people can go to the highest degree of glory. We hear it at least several times a year if not several times a month. So if you are worried that we aren't getting the hint, don't worry.
Along the lines of talks on missionary work, most talks on marriage fall into the camp of telling you how important it is, without giving you much in the way of how to go about doing it. Most marriage talks tell you that its important to be willing to be selfless and sacrificing and to treat your wife with the utmost of love and respect, and that qualities like a testimony and potential for being a good mother should be looked for above qualities like attractiveness. But rare is the talk that attempts to give a man some guidance in how to go about winding up with a wife in the end.
So essentially, several times a year, we get to sit and listen about how we need a woman to be our help-meet, and that she should be someone more spiritual than ourselves (a topic that deserves its own post), and that without her we're pretty much on the express train to ministering angel town, but without actually giving any counsel on how to actually get married, other than that we need to "date more". Keep in mind that most of the guys truly do want to be married. Pounding us over the head with how screwed we're going to be if we don't get married isn't going to do anything other than make us think that its not even worth trying any more. Meanwhile, the sisters get the whole "if things don't work out in this life, there's always the next" routine, as though if you haven't already gotten married by age 27, you must already be worried about your own personal salvation. (What happens to single people after age 30? Do they just leave the church? Has anyone ever actually gotten married in their 30s?)
Anyway, I'm sure there are topics here that could use some expansion, but for now lets just say that if you are worried that single adult men in the LDS church aren't aware that marriage is a requirement for exaltation, you can sleep easy knowing that we get the picture.
Friday, November 17, 2006
A Nation Divided
Over the last few months, we have seen our great nation become divided, sometimes household against household, as things escalated continually til now we find that a rift has opened that may or may not be healed any time soon. No, I'm not talking about the democrats taking a majority in Congress. Rather, I refer to the Jim-Pam-Karen love triangle on The Office.
Quick recap for those of you who haven't kept up. From the beginning, Jim (salesperson) had a crush on Pam (receptionist) who happened to be engaged to Roy (warehouse worker). Pam's engagement had been ongoing for about 3 years and seemed to be headed nowhere til Roy decided to set a date after talking to a war veteran booze cruise captain. Then, in the season finale, in a courageous move, Jim proclaimed his love to Pam, only to be shot down. Here's some of the dialogue:
Jim: I was just..umm..I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I need you to hear it....Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just need you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I...umm...I...I can't.
Jim: Yup
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: C'mon. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry...if you misinterpreted things. Its probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Jim walks away.
Then, even after that, Jim had the nerve to go into the office, find Pam while she was on the phone with her mom and kiss her, and that's how the season ended. At this point, everyone is excited to see how things will turn out. Jim has solidified himself as the guy we can all relate to, and we are cheering for him for laying it on the line in a way that perhaps we wouldn't be able to.
Fast forward to this season's premiere. We have to wait a bit to get what we've been waiting for, a flashback to when Jim kissed Pam. Here's the dialogue:
Jim: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam: Me too. I think we're just drunk.
Jim: No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No...Jim...
Jim: You really gonna marry him?
Pam: Nods
Jim: OK.
Following this final rejection, Jim packs his backs and transfers to the Stamford branch. Meanwhile, Pam did not go through with her wedding to Roy and continues on as the receptionist at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton.
This season Jim's found a new pal/love interest, Karen. It was unclear whether we'd be seeing Jim and Pam back together this season or not, but last week the Stamford branch was closed and its employees were given the option of transferring to the Scranton branch (Jim's original location). Jim and several of his fellow Stamford-ites have come to Scranton, including Karen, who we saw this week scratching his back, and Jim told Pam that he's kind of dating someone now. Now that he's back in Scranton, its safe to assume that we'll see him be torn between Pam and Karen throughout the rest of this season, and in Ross and Rachel like fashion, its probably a safe bet that Jim and Pam will wind up together in the end.
All of which brings us to the debate at hand, should Jim take Pam back, assuming she has the nerve to confess her undying love for him. Pretty much all the girls I know are rooting for Jim and Pam to get back together, while most of the guys I know, who were excited for him and Pam last season, are pulling for Jim to give this Karen thing a shot, and things seem to be pretty well divided down the middle of the gender gap. Us guys are saying that Pam had her chance, and Jim took a pretty big leap of faith and was rewarded with a "lets just be friends". He put himself out there, twice mind you, and got nothing in return. Clearly, Jim has no option other than to pursue other options romantically. Why would he assume that now that Roy is out of the picture that its safe to approach Pam again? He's already misinterpreted things once. Clearly the ball is in Pam's court.
Meanwhile, the new girl (Karen) is on his same level professionally and has shown sparks of developing a good friendship with Jim. She's clearly more attractive than Pam, and while Jim clearly has some feeling for Pam, he really doesn't have an chance to act on them, as its now on Pam to say that she was wrong. She can't expect him to just sit around while she makes up her mind, and if he did that he'd just be beating himself up for just sitting around hoping that things will change.
Am I wrong here? What move does Jim have that doesn't either come across as overly egotistical, i.e. you told me you didn't want a relationship, but I'm going to try to force it anyway, or just foolish, i.e. I know I thought you were interested before and I was wrong, but maybe this time things are different?
Tell me what you think, America (or the very small portion of America that reads this blog).
Quick recap for those of you who haven't kept up. From the beginning, Jim (salesperson) had a crush on Pam (receptionist) who happened to be engaged to Roy (warehouse worker). Pam's engagement had been ongoing for about 3 years and seemed to be headed nowhere til Roy decided to set a date after talking to a war veteran booze cruise captain. Then, in the season finale, in a courageous move, Jim proclaimed his love to Pam, only to be shot down. Here's some of the dialogue:
Jim: I was just..umm..I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I need you to hear it....Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just need you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I...umm...I...I can't.
Jim: Yup
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: C'mon. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Pam: I can't. I'm really sorry...if you misinterpreted things. Its probably my fault.
Jim: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Jim walks away.
Then, even after that, Jim had the nerve to go into the office, find Pam while she was on the phone with her mom and kiss her, and that's how the season ended. At this point, everyone is excited to see how things will turn out. Jim has solidified himself as the guy we can all relate to, and we are cheering for him for laying it on the line in a way that perhaps we wouldn't be able to.
Fast forward to this season's premiere. We have to wait a bit to get what we've been waiting for, a flashback to when Jim kissed Pam. Here's the dialogue:
Jim: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam: Me too. I think we're just drunk.
Jim: No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam: No...Jim...
Jim: You really gonna marry him?
Pam: Nods
Jim: OK.
Following this final rejection, Jim packs his backs and transfers to the Stamford branch. Meanwhile, Pam did not go through with her wedding to Roy and continues on as the receptionist at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton.
This season Jim's found a new pal/love interest, Karen. It was unclear whether we'd be seeing Jim and Pam back together this season or not, but last week the Stamford branch was closed and its employees were given the option of transferring to the Scranton branch (Jim's original location). Jim and several of his fellow Stamford-ites have come to Scranton, including Karen, who we saw this week scratching his back, and Jim told Pam that he's kind of dating someone now. Now that he's back in Scranton, its safe to assume that we'll see him be torn between Pam and Karen throughout the rest of this season, and in Ross and Rachel like fashion, its probably a safe bet that Jim and Pam will wind up together in the end.
All of which brings us to the debate at hand, should Jim take Pam back, assuming she has the nerve to confess her undying love for him. Pretty much all the girls I know are rooting for Jim and Pam to get back together, while most of the guys I know, who were excited for him and Pam last season, are pulling for Jim to give this Karen thing a shot, and things seem to be pretty well divided down the middle of the gender gap. Us guys are saying that Pam had her chance, and Jim took a pretty big leap of faith and was rewarded with a "lets just be friends". He put himself out there, twice mind you, and got nothing in return. Clearly, Jim has no option other than to pursue other options romantically. Why would he assume that now that Roy is out of the picture that its safe to approach Pam again? He's already misinterpreted things once. Clearly the ball is in Pam's court.
Meanwhile, the new girl (Karen) is on his same level professionally and has shown sparks of developing a good friendship with Jim. She's clearly more attractive than Pam, and while Jim clearly has some feeling for Pam, he really doesn't have an chance to act on them, as its now on Pam to say that she was wrong. She can't expect him to just sit around while she makes up her mind, and if he did that he'd just be beating himself up for just sitting around hoping that things will change.
Am I wrong here? What move does Jim have that doesn't either come across as overly egotistical, i.e. you told me you didn't want a relationship, but I'm going to try to force it anyway, or just foolish, i.e. I know I thought you were interested before and I was wrong, but maybe this time things are different?
Tell me what you think, America (or the very small portion of America that reads this blog).
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