Saturday, December 10, 2005


I once heard a comedian remark that if it weren't for women that men would wear underwear until all that was left of it was a a rubber band around their waist with some cloth hanging off of it. While this statement is not 100% accurate, its probably better than 90% accurate. My mom always bought my underwear until I left home and nowadays it take some pretty drastic circumstances to inspire me to buy more underwear.

Unfortuantely, perhaps as a result of most men's underwear being purchased by women (or perhaps this was the original cause of women doing the undy-shopping), it has now become increasingly awkward for men (or at least me, in this case) to shop for underwear for themselves. Not because we aren't used to it, but because of the packaging in which said underwear comes. Allow me to elaborate.

Just this Halloween, I was invited to a costume party that was "costume-by-assignment", certainly an interesting idea, not that everyone is going to stick to their assignment, but at least it helped me choose a costume. I was assigned to come as Superman, and was able to at least find a Superman logo T-shirt at Target and make a makeshift cape from an old red T-shirt. But I felt like to really sell the outfit, I would need some red briefs to wear over the top of some blue pants. I mean Superman has to have the red briefs, right? Anyway, cue the men's underwear aisle at Wal-mart. A full aisle of men's underwear in all kinds of styles and cuts. I never knew we men could be so varied in our choice of underneath clothes. The real problem, though? Package after package of men's underwear adorned with photos of dudes wearing only undies. The last thing I want to look at is a picture of some dude's crotch. Some muscle-bound, pretty boy showing off his package, and for who? I hope its not there to convince me what I should buy. I've never been more uncomfortable in a store than I was hunting through there looking for some red briefs. The fact that it took me more than 5 minutes to finally settle on a variety pack that had 1 pair of tighty-reddies made it all the more uncomfortable. In fact, I may have even felt more comfortable being in the women's underwear section for that long. At least there, I could have felt like just a regular old hetero-perv, instead of having to feel like one of the same gender crowd.

I actually thought about looking for some of these photos to add to this blog, but to be honest, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Look for them, or even post them. I mean, what kind of guy posts photos of other guys in their undies on his blog? So who in the world thinks that we want to see that while we are trying to buy some? Thank goodness for women who are willing to buy underwear for us men. Luckily I don't usually have to shop at Wal-mart for underwear these days. The good old distribution center has managed to stay image free since 1853 (or perhaps some other, less rhyming, year).


Smartie said...

You could have at least posted a photo of your Halloween costume.

I love that your list of "things I want in a wife" includes --must buy underwear for me. Seems like a reasonable request and easily achieved with the aid of the distribution center. I had another snarky comment about the problems with their sizing, but I tabled it. Felt disrespectful to their product somehow.

On a lighter note: I keep laughing at the thought of you wading through the underwear isles of Walmart looking for red undies. Good times, Superman.

j said...

The funny thing is that I don't even have a picture of my costume. Why would I want one? I do recall a few people taking my picture, but none of them has offered to give me a copy. Lets just say it was Superman on a budget. Never could find a yellow belt or some red boot, much less blue tights. I ended up just wear jeans under the undies because they matched the T-shirt better than my blue running pants.

Adam said...

"regular old hetero-perv" made me truly LOL.

And really J, you should never dress up in costume without getting a pic. You have let us down and now must recover by posting more funny blog entries.

Ashley said...

This post. It is funny.